


Proud

by dixons_mama



Series: Song Inspired Fics [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America: The First Avenger Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 14:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20098342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dixons_mama/pseuds/dixons_mama
Summary: While trapped in Azzano, Bucky accidentally confesses to Steve that he loves him. Bucky is sure this will be the end of their friendship.





	Proud

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware that this fic contains period typical internalized homophobia and slurs. 
> 
> This fic was inspired by the song Proud by Marshmello, I recommend you listen to it before reading!

As he lay strapped to that metal table in Azzano, Bucky felt certain that he was dying. His whole body ached and his brain felt foggy. Bucky accepted this as fact, everyone eventually died, and this was his time. He didn't necessarily feel sad, but he worried. He worried about Stevie, alone in New York, probably struggling to get by. Bucky felt a pang of regret as he thought about Steve. He'd been desperately in love with his best friend since forever. Since before he even knew that it was love he was feeling. Now he'd never see him again, never see his beautiful blue eyes, or be able to ruffle his silkie blond hair. He'd never be able to tell Steve that he loved him. Not that Steve would reciprocate those feelings. No, only perverts felt this way, loving another man was wrong, but to Bucky, it felt good. Loving Steve had kept him alive up until now. He'd fought endlessly, wanting to live, just to see Steve again. But now it was time. Soon more Hydra goons would come in, and inject him with something else, and that would be it.

As Bucky stared blankly up at the ceiling, thoughts filling his muddled mind, he heard a loud commotion. Before he knew it, Steve Rogers was standing over him. _ No _ , he thought, _ this must be an angel _. Bucky smiled as angel Steve unstrapped him, and shook him gently.

"Buck? Bucky? C'mon, we gotta get out of here." Steve still had that intense, deep voice, but now it fit his body. He was surely taller than Bucky now, and built like a brick house. This was the body Steve deserved, and he felt incredibly happy for his friend. The love in his chest felt like it could bubble out of him at any moment. And then it did.

"I love you, Stevie. I'm glad you're an angel now." Bucky said, sounding like a drunk trying to hit on a dame. Steve's eyebrows shot up and his jaw dropped.

"Uh, yeah, I'm not an angel, Buck. I'll explain it all later, but we gotta go. _ Now _." A loud explosion made Bucky's ears ring, and it felt like the cotton in his head was clearing out. As Steve helped him out of the exploding structure, Bucky became more and more aware of what was going on. And of what he had said to Steve. After a harrowing escape, and a once over by the doc, Bucky retreated to his tent. Alone.

That night Steve didn't visit him, and honestly, Bucky couldn't blame him. He'd just found out his best friend was a queer, _ and _ in love with him. Would Steve tell the Colonel? Bucky would be dishonorably discharged if anyone found out. No matter how Steve was feeling, Bucky couldn't imagine him doing something like that. Steve was a good man, he'd let Bucky down gently, maybe try to get him a date with the SSR secretary or something, chalking up his confession as him just being out of it. Bucky cringed at the thought, it reminded him of how he'd tried so often to set Steve up on dates, even though he hated it. _ We both hated it _ , Bucky thought, _ just for very different reasons _.

The next morning Bucky felt exhausted, his dreams had been filled with unyielding fear and sadness. He found himself, more often than not, jolting awake in his cot, drenched in sweat, heart pounding and body shaking. In between fits of sporadic sleep, he lay awake staring at the top of his tent, his own thoughts were no easier to endure, though. The quiet was too much, and Bucky let the tears fall as his mind screamed inside his head. Thoughts of Steve, of how it wasn't so bad in that shitty one bedroom apartment. How struggling to pay their bills and cleaning Steve's busted face all the time wasn't so bad. None of it was as bad as this. Knowing he'd irreparably destroyed his friendship with Steve ate at him until he found himself retching over the side of his cot. Bucky wasn't looking forward to the next day, but he couldn't wait for the silence of the night to end.

Once he could muster the energy to leave his tent, Bucky shamefully avoided Steve at all costs. Anytime Steve came into his line of sight, he'd make some excuse to whoever was talking to him, and go back to his tent. Bucky wanted to put off hearing whatever Steve was going to say to him for as long as possible. Avoiding Steve was painful, but he knew what was going to happen after they talked was going to be much worse. As dusk quickly approached, Bucky decided it would be best to just lie down until lights out. At least then he wouldn't have to worry about seeing Steve. As he was about to enter his tent, someone cleared their throat behind him, causing him to jump. It was Peggy.

"Pardon me, Sergeant Barnes, I didn't mean to startle you. Do you have a moment?" She asked, Bucky nodded and held open his tent flap. Peggy entered and looked around quietly before turning to Bucky.

"Is there a problem, Agent Carter?" He asked, and Peggy crossed her arms.

"Yes, Steve has informed me that he thinks you're avoiding him. I told him that was preposterous." Peggy lifted an eyebrow at him when Bucky didn't respond. "It _ is _ preposterous, isn't it?"

"I don't want to discuss it. It's my problem, not yours." He answered quietly, hanging his head. Peggy stepped into his space and gently lifted Bucky's chin to look him in the eyes.

"Barnes. It may not be _ my _ problem, but it certainly isn't yours alone. Whatever it is, it's also greatly affecting Steve. He's worried about you." Peggy spoke softly. Bucky felt his throat click when he tried to swallow, and his eyes were brimming with tears.

"Heh, I'm sure he's _ real _ worried about his sick pal." Bucky said defensively, and Peggy frowned.

"You were cleared by the medical team, they never said you were ill." She replied, and Bucky barked out what sounded like a mix between a laugh and a sob. A dawning expression of understanding spread across Peggy's face, and her expression softened.

"Agent Carter, like I said, I don't want to discuss it. Unless you need me for something, I'd like to rest." Bucky walked past Peggy and sat on his cot. He avoided her gaze as he untied the laces on his boots.

"Alright. Goodnight Sergeant Barnes." Peggy turned just as she reached the tent flap. "I hope you know Steve is feeling _ sick _ about this whole thing, too." Bucky's head snapped up at her, but she was already walking out. Suddenly feeling like he was going to pass out, and maybe vomit as well, Bucky curled up into a ball on his cot. As he lie there entrapped in his misery, he allowed himself to cry silently well into the night.

_ Bucky was hanging on for his life as his fingers began slipping from the cliff's edge. Steve stood above him, not moving, just staring down at Bucky. "Please!" He screamed. "Steve! Help me, please!" And suddenly Steve's hands were grabbing at him and pulling Bucky up. Once he safely on his hands and knees, he looked up at Steve. "I'm doing you a favor by doing this." Steve said, right before kicking Bucky in the chest, hurdling him off the cliff. Bucky screamed. _

Bolting up in his bed, Bucky sobbed loudly. Someone was sitting on the edge of the cot, and Bucky grasped at them frantically, in an attempt to ground himself. Strong arms enveloped him as he hid his face against their shoulder, heaving sobs racking his whole body.

"Shhh, it's ok. You're ok." It was Steve, and that just made Bucky cry harder. "Whatever's happening in your head, _ you're here with me now _. You're safe." Bucky tightened his grip on the back of Steve's shirt and tried to control his breathing. For a long time, Steve rocked him in his arms, whispering comforting words against Bucky's skin. Several minutes after his sobbing ceased, Bucky reluctantly pulled away. Steve seemed to resist for just a moment, but let him go. Bucky wiped at his puffy eyes roughly and sniffled.

"I'm sorry if I woke you." Bucky mumbled, staring down at his hands. Steve sighed heavily.

"I was coming to talk to you anyway." Steve gently wrapped his hands around Bucky's. Startled, Bucky looked up at him with wide, red rimmed eyes. "Bucky, are you ok?" 

"I'm fine." Bucky said, looking away again. Steve let go of Bucky's hands and ran his fingers through his hair. Leaning his elbows down onto his knees, Steve put his face in his hands.

"I don't know what to do, or say to you, Buck." Steve's voice was muffled and Bucky looked at him. When Steve lifted his head, his whole face looked exhausted. Bucky felt like his throat was closing up with the urge to cry again. _ This is it, _ he thought.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I am." Bucky said quietly. Steve simply shook his head.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" Bucky hated himself for the tear that rolled down his cheek. Steve was really going to make him say it.

"For.. for what I said in Azzano, I- I didn't mean.." The words died on Bucky's lips. He couldn't lie to Steve by telling him that he hadn't meant it. Bucky had never lied to Steve before, and he didn't want to start now. This was likely their last conversation, it was pointless to try to concoct some lie now anyway.

"You didn't what?" Steve asked, sadness in his voice. "You didn't mean it? Or you didn't mean to tell me?" 

"I.." Bucky huffed at himself, then looked Steve in the eyes. "I didn't mean to tell you. I never wanted you to know, but I thought I was dying, or already dead. I don't know." Bucky could no longer read the expression on Steve's face, it was one he'd never seen before.

"But why?" Steve asked weakly, and as tears filled Bucky's favorite pair of blue eyes, he truly wished that he had died on that table.

"You've always been my best friend, I couldn't lose you. I didn't want you to know.. how sick I am." 

"Sick?" Steve asked, confused. Bucky suddenly felt angry. Angry that this was happening. It was bad enough he was losing his friend tonight, he didn't want to have to tell Steve his secret.

"Yes, sick!" Bucky hissed, and Steve flinched back. "Your best pal here is a fairy, ok? I'm queer and I always have been. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Steve's face suddenly narrowed in anger, and Bucky felt his stomach drop.

"Stop it!" Steve whispered loudly at him. "That's not what I wanted to know. I don't _ care _ if you're queer. I asked if you were really in love with me."

"Yes. I am. And I know it's wrong, I-" Bucky was cut off when Steve grabbed him by the shoulders.

"_ Close your eyes _ ," Steve said seriously, and so Bucky did. " _ Tune them out _. Those voices in your head telling you all that, they're wrong." Bucky opened his eyes.

"What?" Bucky asked, unsure of what Steve was getting at.

"I know. _ Empty rooms can be so loud _. You don't think my own mind has told me those same things every time I sat alone in our apartment, or at the hospital?" Steve spoke evenly, but Bucky could hear the emotion behind it.

"What are you saying, Steve?" Bucky asked, knowing it couldn't be what it sounded like. Steve's large hands cupped his face, and their eyes met. When Bucky felt Steve's thumbs stroking his cheeks, his eyes fluttered shut. "_ Steve _." He whispered, then Steve's lips brushed against Bucky's, and they kissed. They kissed slowly and softly for, what Bucky thought was, ages. When Steve eventually pulled away, a quiet whimper escaped Bucky's throat.

"I love you, Bucky." When Steve spoke, Bucky felt his hot breath against his lips and it made him shudder. "Why do you think I never wanted to go on those stupid double dates with you?" Bucky's eyes shot open and Steve was grinning at him.

"Are we seriously that dumb?" Bucky said with a laugh, and Steve laughed with him.

"I guess, but I'm proud of us for getting here. Even if it took us going to war to finally say it." Steve kissed him on the mouth again, and Bucky hummed happily.

"I'm proud of us, too." Bucky agreed, and he smiled against Steve's warm and welcoming lips.

**Author's Note:**

> The following lines are actually lyrics from Proud by Marshmello:
> 
> "You're here with me now."  
"Close your eyes, tune them out."  
"Empty rooms can be so loud."
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome!
> 
> Find me on Twitter @dixons_mama


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